Fancy Meeting You Here

Remember when I used to do this semi-regularly?  Remember how sometimes things I posted were funny?

Me neither.

I haven't gone off the grid or lost my fingers, but so much else has happened since I last paid much attention to this.  I got a job that I love, but that requires an excessive amount of time away from the couch.  Deduct five points.  I do get paid, though. This is the first time with regularity since, OH, 2007.  Add twelve points.  Which, bonus, means I got to buy Craig Christmas presents with my very own monies. Of course, this also means that he can no longer say his Bosco's Mug Club membership is my gift to him.  Now he'll have to call what it really is:  a very generous gift to himself and to the economy of Midtown. 

With all that's been going on, there are few things that still haven't happened.

*Mad Men has still, and yet, not returned for a fifth season

*My sewing projects have not so much become a reality, but more of a reality check on my ability to take something from the idea stage to the get out of the house and buy the supplies stage.

*My closet has still not cleaned, sorted, and organized itself, despite my pointed stares in its general direction.

However, much and much has been happening.  In no particular order--

*We made life. Mwahahahaha.  Ok, actually it wasn't very sinister, but we are expecting a little one.  Woo hoo!

     *Subpoints A-Z: I go to sleep at 8pm, burp like a trucker (who knew?), am still super, duper nervous about all possible travesties happening, and have a serious aversion to the smell of smell.

*We got a video camera, so yeah, get ready.

*I successfully resisted the urge to correct people who think the twelve days of Christmas are the twelve leading up to Christmas.  But since I'm talking about it, why not.  It's not a countdown.  Day one starts on Christmas and goes until Epiphany.  Maybe I should scratch this off the list now, hmmmmm?

*My canine champ did all kinds of wrong under the dining room table riiiight before Christmas dinner, so, Cheers!  Hasn't done it it months, might as well make it count.

I hope everyone had a restful and blestful Holiday!

Look!

I've got nothing to add, but this is is too funny for life.

http://www.happyplace.com/4286/brilliantly-sarcastic-responses-to-completely-well-meaning-signs

I Had It Coming

I've devoted several posts to Craig and the funny things he says and does because Craig says and does funny things, especially on accident.  Recently we were talking about a conversation we had a few years ago and he reminded me of my hypocrisy on this subject.  The truth is this--for all of the funny things that I've called him out on, namely butchering song lyrics and just generally being the youngest crotchety old man around, I'm definitely a pot calling the kettle black.  I know that I often speak (type?) in superlatives, so I'll try and tone it down.  Let's just say that I am one of the more literal people that I know.  I'm no Forrest Gump, obviously, but I can get a little lost in hyperbole and unfamiliar phrases.  I'll never forget this book that I read in third or fourth grade that was written from the perspective of a similar little girl who overhears her parents talking and misunderstands everything.  When they talk about navel oranges, she imagined a fleet of oranges with sailors and the whole bit.  I imagined a kindred spirit.

With that background, this might seem less stupid.  It might not. Meh.  Anyway, several years ago Craig made a remark about "not looking a gift horse in the mouth," and I casually agreed saying, "Yeah, 'cause he'll take your presents back." 

I know, huh?  It's all so clear to me now, but let me paint a picture for you.  I've heard that expression other times in my life and what I visualized was a horse bringing you presents in his mouth,  kind of a hand-less Santa.  It made sense to me that you weren't supposed to look him in the mouth, because that would be very rude to check out all your gifts before they've been given to you.  Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, lest he turn tail and take your presents to someone else.  How was I to know that it means something about how if someone gives you a horse, you shouldn't go checking out his specs, since he was a gift?  Who gives horses?  What are they looking for in there, the Carfax?

The fortunate things is, we got married and all is well.  I have not always been so lucky.  At twelve I asked my science teacher the genuine question of how big the tubes were for full term test tube babies and I lost points for being a smart alec.  She lost points for being a bummer, and became the scapegoat for why I have an English degree.

Captive's Log

Day 4,3452 in Captivity (unemployment)...give or take


I'm adapting well in my new surroundings. I've started to understand the natives. Admittedly, little brown dogs are only mediocre conversationalists. If you try and discuss anything more than the superficial, they zone out and start licking phantom boy parts long removed. Yesterday, he broke rank and we had a slight disagreement. He thought that he would help me clean by getting on the dining room table and licking my lunch plate. I disagreed. Other than these set backs, all seems to be well between myself and the other prisoner. As I don't have the occasional accident on the floor, I don't have to be put in solitary like he does when everyone leaves, but the threat is always there.

I seem to have some form of Stockholm syndrome, which I attribute to the attractiveness of my captor. He's very good to me and occasionally takes me out for yogurt. He seems to appreciate having a captive, as he no longer does any housework to speak of. Just yesterday, I baked a pie with a homemade crust and sweet tea. I knew the pie was good, but I was concerned that the tea was tad on the weak side. My kind captor said that, no, "It isn't bad. It just tastes like one of the those restaurants that has sweet tea, but they don't know how to make it." Apparently, a return to my previous formula would be appreciated. Noted.

It's true that I am enjoying my captivity, but I can't even convince myself that I'm benefiting at all from my college or law degree, but I will at some point. I think I'll wait until then to update the alumni information with these respective institutions, lest they report, Laura Locke, nee Britt, has become an amalgamation of her grandmothers. She recently received a prestigious library card, and has gone through an entire bottle of Fantastik.

Keeping it Real (Boring)

Every time I think about this blog, the sound of crickets drowns it out. I have nothing to write about. Whatever wit I may have feeds on stress and anxiety, which is why I posted so much while I was studying for the bar. I love being home (except for the impending doom of loans/needing a job) and I pretty much do the same things every day, so there's just not that much to say.

I have been spending a lot of time, though, with the always charming, never dull, shoe-ruining, canine alarm system Max.  You wil be shocked to learn that this bit of cinema was completely unscripted.  Ol' one-take Beanpotts knocked it out of the park.  I'm kind of embarassed by the unexplained nasal tone of my voice, so try to just focus on the little brown face.  I especially like when he first hears his name.

Happy Mother's Day!

    The idea of motherhood is little more complicated this year.  A little more bittersweet.  I've been really blessed to be home this last month.  In that time I've been able to get back to normal. Plus, I've had time to do a lot of the little projects I've always wanted to tackle, but didn't have time.  I feel refocused and rejuvenated. 

   I only had a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the experience of motherhood, but I got a glimpse of the instant priority shift, the me into you.  It's amazing to think that I was and am on the receiving end of that everyday.  I love my Mom so very much, and it's hard to imagine that she's loved me as much since before I can remember.  Before I was born.  It's one of those things that's been so large and constant in my life that I have the privilege of being able to take it for granted sometimes.  I shouldn't, and I definitely try not to.  I know that so many people never had or have lost that love. But what a love that is to be so constant and steady that I forget that it isn't just a given.

  As if I haven't been lucky enough, I've also got a wonderful mother in law that I love, too, and feel so grateful to for making such a great man out of Craig.  I never imagined that I would feel so comfortable in someone else's family, but going to her house always feels like going home.  For reasons I've mentioned before, that fact just shows me that God has really taken care of me.

  I'm so lucky to have been my mother's child and equally lucky to have Craig's mom.  Lucky and grateful.  Thanks to the best moms I know and happy mother's day!

Clean Sweep

    Stress is like amphetamines for housewives, or at least for this accidental housewife. I've been on a DSM-IV worthy cleaning tear. I've moved past organizing the closets and cabinets and started scrubbing the walls and bleaching all the trashcans. Yesterday I took the top off the stove and drug it into the shower and scrubbed it until it said uncle. I don't know where the stress is coming from. Probably nothing. That's kinda where I live, so no need to worry. Before I do any self-examination, I'm gonna ride this wave until the floors beg for mercy.

     On a related note, Max is beside himself. I cleaned out his treasure trove under the bed. He went all Little Mermaid on me and started talking about his "whosits and whatsits galore."

     P.S.  In response to my last post, my Mom said she needed to tell me the rest of the story.  Maybe that will fill in some gaps : )