Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What I Didn't Know before I Got Married

Among a few other unhealthy habits, I like to self-diagnose any and all of what ails me. I can't tell you how many times Craig has said, "Wait. Before you get on WebMd, just breathe and take some tylenol."  Then I tell him that if my internet research is correct, I've either got a tension headache, or I'm at risk for a major stroke. I either ate something bad, or I have an obstruction. My shoulder aches. Maybe I slept funny. Maybe it's a heart attack. You know, a backache is often a woman's symptom of a heart attack. You didn't know that? Good, you must be sane.

Hypochondriac? Sure. That's fair.  I can assure you that I get it honest.  It skips a generation.  This is just one of the many things that Craig has to deal with around here.  He came with his own unforeseen quirks too, though, but there's a strict no return policy.  I'd miss him too much, anyway. 

We didn't live together before we got married for a number of reasons and I'm really glad that we made that choice.  I read a study once that said that cohabting before marriage results in a higher divorce rate.  I think there are probably a squillion factors that went into those results that were unaccounted for, but it did make an interesting point.  It said that couples who share a home before they're married may see it as a trial run that can be abandoned.  Once you are married, if marriage means something to you, you just figure it out when things get a little hairy.  There are no trial runs and the author suggests that that mentality is hard to shake.  I think the less sunny way to look at that is to say, I'm gonna live with this person forever so I better figure out how to make it good for both of us or my head may pop off.  Plus, I think the wedding is so much sweeter when the couple has yet to learn what the other looks like two days into a stomach flu. 

There are things I've learned since getting married that I'm glad I didn't know.  It wouldn't have affected my decision one teeny, tiny bit, but I wouldn't have had the sense of humor to view them for what they are. 

  • Contrary to what I feared, men don't really leave the toilet seat up all the time.  No.  In fact it's very rare.  Like only in the middle of the night when the temperature in the house has gotten to its lowest and you're not wearing contacts.  Even though it's rare, one moment of that blind hysteria is too much. 

  • I'm allergic to white gold.  What, aren't your wedding rings white gold you ask?  Why, yes.  Yes, they are.  Were.  I now have a yellow gold set.  My swollen, welpy ring finger wasn't very attractive or comfortable.  While it was definitely a testament to my commitment level,  I didn't want to have a permanent wedding band made out of scar tissue. 

  • An old container of leftovers in the back of the refridgerator turns into an Old West showdown over who's gonna throw it out.
  • From Craig, I learned that all tools run on profanity.  So does college basketball.

  • He's learned that a large pack of toilet paper isn't a once a semester purchase like at the fraternity house.  Actually, I'm not sure that he's learned this.  He's still eyes me suspiciously like I'm sneaking rolls out every few days.

  • I've learned that when he says that we'll go soon, the game only has ten more minutes, that that means thirty minutes.  I will never understand time warp football minutes.

  • Craig has stopped asking what I want to have for dinner the following night forty five seconds after we've eaten the current night.  He now understands that I will always want to look at the menu at the McDonald's drive thru, even though the menu has been the same my entire life and I always get the same thing.  How could such a person know what they want to eat in 24hrs?  Unless it's cupcakes. 

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