Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Things That Make Me Want to Quote a Certain Grammy Nominated Cee Lo Song

Thank you, in advance, for this opportunity to rant.  Please feel free to read this in your best Lewis Black voice for the full effect.

1. Have more than one air freshener hanging from your rearview mirror. Whatever it is that you're doing in there should be stopped. Immediately. If it's not there because of some especially foul odor, but just because you're lazy, you need to get a grip. Immediately.

2. When I hand you a $10 for something that is, let's say $6.03 please, oh please, oh please ask me if I have three cents. I'm aware of how currency works, ma'am. You need to realize that I probably don't have three cents, or I would've given it to you. However, even if I had fifty tiny coin purses, each containing three shiny pennies, I'm still perfectly within my rights to hand you an even dollar amount. Maybe I don't want to dig through my purse for change. Maybe I need to flip a coin soon. Maybe I need to buy a bouncy ball.

3. Tennessee Residents: have any year other than the current year showing on your license plate. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? It very clearly has only one spot for the year sticker, and you are to place the current year over the past year. What is particularly infuriating is that the incorrect places people put their stickers have instructions about what is supposed to be there. What about "Wheel Tax Decal" says that you should probably go ahead and put the year there. Why would the police care if you were in compliance in 2009? No need to imitate Bob Ross with your color pallette of the past three years.

4. Respond with "That'll be fine" to a statement. If I'm not asking your permission, please don't feel the need to give it. Unsolicted advice is also unappreciated at least 83% of the time.

5. Expect me to care if you think things have an expiration date. I've got no interest in the philosophy that for something to be good it must be less than 3 months old or greater than 10 years old, plus those bizarre caveats for things that are acceptable to like ironically. Grow up.

6. Say that you don't like small dogs. My dog doesn't like you either.

7.  Make mindlessly offensive comments about only children. You've got to let go of those fantasies you had as a child where you would've been allowed everything you ever wanted if only it weren't for your brother or sister.  No you wouldn't have. Neither was I.  You see, onlies are the whole shabang.  Grandkids?  Gotta be you.  College? Gotta be you.  All their success as a parent is measured by you.  Just you.  You get the best, but also the worst, of being the oldest, middle, and youngest child.  Think on it. 

8.  Be mad at me when I'm mad at you.  Wait your turn.

Ahhhh.  That feels better.

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