There was a good reason for me not posting for so long. I was obsessed with a wonderful secret that I didn't want to share until the exactly the right time. It was all I thought about. I was anticipating how I would share the news. Unfortunately, my amazing news has turned into something else entirely. I probably shouldn't talk about it now. No one does. I have no idea why it's such a secret, I just know that no one ever talks about it. It's not like I hurt someone. I didn't break the law. But somehow, this is one thing you never share.
In February, we got the thrilling and terrifying news that we were expecting a baby. I was over the moon. I've waited my whole life for that experience and the day that I would tell Craig that he was going to be a daddy. I ate heatlhy and scoured books and articles for how to have a healthy pregnancy. I was going to do everything right. I scheduled our first appointment and counted down the days. At that first appointment, the doctor did an ultrasound and said that the baby was measuring a week smaller than she expected, and there was no detectable heartbeat. But, she said, we should be cautiously optimistic because there was a chance that everything would be fine. We scheduled an appointment for the next week. That may have been the longest week of my life. I felt suspended between trying to prepare myself for bad news and trying not to give up hope. That next week, on my birthday, we got the news we dreaded. The doctor said that I should expect to miscarry in the next week. I haven't done it on my own, so I'll have a procedure instead.
I know this is part of a plan, but I can't help but wish the plan had lined up with my own this time. We are both doing just fine. Naturally, we're worried about if we'll be able to have children in the future. For every story that works out great, there are those that don't and I want to, eventually, be okay with either way our lives take us.
I have no idea why I've shared this story. It doesn't begin to capture how we actually feel about it all, which is fine. I don't really want to try to explain that. Not here, anyway. A very dear person shared her story with me and it has given me so much comfort to know that I'm not the only one. I guess if this gets to one person, stranger or friend, that goes through the same thing then it's worth it. If I get flack for this or change my mind about being so open, I may take this down. Of course, it's wide open on the blog, but it should only show up for a few people on facebook. We'll just see.